I have been restless for a while now, not a typical restless, a feeling of being aimless. I have been ignoring this, as I just thought that I would naturally come through the process of my marriage break up and all would resume to normality in time.
In actual fact all I had done was squash my feelings down and just carry on, believing this was the best way to deal with the situation. I was wrong!
This week I awoke one morning with a distinct determination to start the healing process. To once and for all face my grief and loss, so I could now move forward with my life. I honestly thought that I would recover in time and the most important thing was to just be a good mother, provider and friend and all would eventually be okay.
I was always there for everyone else, such as my family and friends, I just wasn't open to taking care of myself, as I didn't want to feel the pain and acknowledge that it was there. I didn't want to face that I had a broken heart.
I now realize that I need to be open to my feelings of loss and grief and to recognize that my marriage break up represented a big void of failure to myself. I was also using a choice of weapons to beat myself up with, guilt, pain, regret, fear, control and the 'if only's'.
I decided to write a list of all the feelings that I was suppressing, the list grew longer and longer. I was amazed that so much had been contained inside myself for so long! No wonder I hadn't felt clear and connected with my SELF.
Once I had this huge list in front of me, I re-read each word out loud in the privacy of my own room. I acknowledge each of them and decided to let go of each one. I started to feel the significance in this 'letting go' process.
My emotions became so raw as I allowed each one to surface. Although after I released each word it was like a wonderful cleansing, an intense process of inner freedom!
I dug a hole under a beautiful flowering tree in my backyard and buried the list. So now instead of being buried beneath my emotions, they were now buried in the earth and given back to the universe. These papers with all these words of my past would now break down within the soil and become apart of a beautiful flowering tree.
The inner peace that followed this symbolism was amazing! I felt at peace not only with myself, also with the process of the years that have followed since my marriage break up. The struggles that have swept me to this point, financially, emotionally, physically and mentally. I realized that life is a continual living and breathing moment to moment of change.
Letting go can be a very painful process that I chose to suppress rather than express. Although once I experienced the process of 'letting go', the freedom in this was immeasurable.
I am now setting new goals to move forward with. Goals that involve taking chances and opening up to the new possibilities. One of these is to finish a website that I started building, yet I couldn't finish. I couldn't find a purpose in creating a website. Now I do see the purpose in finishing my website and will be busily re-building it over the next couple of weeks.
Everyday is a new experience. Everyday leads me to a beautiful new place in my life. I am now more conscious of giving to myself and taking care of my own needs. I am more conscious of letting things go, instead of carrying experiences with me. Living in my NOW, as yesterday is gone and tomorrow hasn't even happened. Living in my NOW makes more sense.
Punishing myself isn't going to change events in my life. Events are a part of life whether good or bad. This is reality and Ouch, it can be painful! Although within pain there is the potential for personal growth. This is the path I choose now .. onwards into a brand new future!
It's never too late to become the person you might have been. - George Elliot.
Keep 'Creating the love' in your life ............ Leanna
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