17 July 2010

'WAKING UP TO REALITY' - OUCH!

I have been restless for a while now, not a typical restless, a feeling of being aimless. I have been ignoring this, as I just thought that I would naturally come through the process of my marriage break up and all would resume to normality in time.

In actual fact all I had done was squash my feelings down and just carry on, believing this was the best way to deal with the situation. I was wrong!

This week I awoke one morning with a distinct determination to start the healing process. To once and for all face my grief and loss, so I could now move forward with my life. I honestly thought that I would recover in time and the most important thing was to just be a good mother, provider and friend and all would eventually be okay.

I was always there for everyone else, such as my family and friends, I just wasn't open to taking care of myself, as I didn't want to feel the pain and acknowledge that it was there. I didn't want to face that I had a broken heart. 

I now realize that I need to be open to my feelings of loss and grief and to recognize that my marriage break up represented a big void of failure to myself. I was also using a choice of weapons to beat myself up with, guilt, pain, regret, fear, control and the 'if only's'.

I decided to write a list of all the feelings that I was suppressing, the list grew longer and longer. I was amazed that so much had been contained inside myself for so long! No wonder I hadn't felt clear and connected with my SELF.

Once I had this huge list in front of me, I re-read each word out loud in the privacy of my own room. I acknowledge each of them and decided to let go of each one. I started to feel the significance in this 'letting go' process.

My emotions became so raw as I allowed each one to surface. Although after I released each word it was like a wonderful cleansing, an intense process of inner freedom!

After I finished this process, I wanted to make sure that this was the finality to this period of my life. Where I could remember this day as it's ending. So I bundled up the pages and placed a ribbon around them. This symbolized my love for them, as they had been apart of this precious time in my life. After all these words represented experiences that were now enabling me to grow to another level of my humanity in my lifetime.


I dug a hole under a beautiful flowering tree in my backyard and buried the list. So now instead of being buried beneath my emotions, they were now buried in the earth and given back to the universe. These papers with all these words of my past would now break down within the soil and become apart of a beautiful flowering tree.

The inner peace that followed this symbolism was amazing! I felt at peace not only with myself, also with the process of the years that have followed since my marriage break up. The struggles that have swept me to this point, financially, emotionally, physically and mentally. I realized that life is a continual living and breathing moment to moment of change.

Letting go can be a very painful process that I chose to suppress rather than express. Although once I experienced the process of 'letting go', the freedom in this was immeasurable.

I am now setting new goals to move forward with. Goals that involve taking chances and opening up to the new possibilities. One of these is to finish a website that I started building, yet I couldn't finish. I couldn't find a purpose in creating a website. Now I do see the purpose in finishing my website and will be busily re-building it over the next couple of weeks.

Everyday is a new experience. Everyday leads me to a beautiful new place in my life. I am now more conscious of giving to myself and taking care of my own needs. I am more conscious of letting things go, instead of carrying experiences with me. Living in my NOW, as yesterday is gone and tomorrow hasn't even happened. Living in my NOW makes more sense.

It is a more peaceful place to live within too. I am sharing so much love with myself,after all there is only one of 'me' in my lifetime. Why live in self punishment, when you can live within 'self love' and cherish your precious moments.

Punishing myself isn't going to change events in my life. Events are a part of life whether good or bad. This is reality and Ouch, it can be painful! Although within pain there is the potential for personal growth. This is the path I choose now .. onwards into a brand new future!

Quote:
It's never too late to become the person you might have been. - George Elliot.

Keep 'Creating the love' in your life ............ Leanna

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4 comments:

Michael Castelo said...

Hi Leanna, my name is Michael. I came across your blog for the first time, and glad I did. Lovely post. I would like to say you're heading in the right direction and doing the right thing of 'letting go'. It's not easy, it's a process that has to be taken slowly, especially when things are out of balance due to the changes in your life. Anticipate and embrace the changes, and keep doing what you're doing "Creating the love" (I like that). Take care. I'll be reading.

Michael
THE SHIFT BLOGSPOT

Evelyn said...

Divorce is a word without a cure.. its just like some kind of a cancer it can truly consume you both emotionally and physically.. I have beend divorce now for over 9years and still the haunting tends to lurk around my halls.. its a bad episode that keeps coming to mock me. Im not going to lie and say to anyone it all gets better .. for me at times I can't seem to be at peace with myself even though I am newly married now.. how I do it well, I just write about everything for therapy. Evie

shamballa9944 said...

Leanna,

I'm an not divorced, but I certainly know people who have a different experience then Evelyn has written about. I certainly hope you remember (as you yourself have stated in another post) everyone has a different experience. I hope that a month later you are feeling a bit more adjusted to your new circumstance, even if you are still in the grieving stages of them.

Creating The Love said...

Thank you so much for your comments, I really do appreciate your feedback. A month later, I am not so focused on the guilt and the what if's.

I have decided to concentrate on looking after myself, and enjoying this amazing journey of getting to know who I am once again.

Shamballa, yes we all experience situations differently and I appreciate your reminder.

I am starting to appreciate who I am, and understanding that there can also be some amazing positives that can be found in this difficult time.

Thank you again Michael, Evelyn, and shamballa for taking the time out to comment. I am very grateful for your responses. Keep 'Creating the love' in your lives as well.

P.S. I am also looking for Guest writers, if you are interested in contributing to 'Creating the love'.