27 April 2010

The Art of Pain

 I can remember when I was so filled with inner pain, that my insides felt like they were screaming and twisted. My heart was heavy and my breathing so fast and sharp, I thought I was going to explode!

Everyday seemed like a burden, just to perform medial tasks, or interact with other people. There was no such thing as joy and my outlook on life was bleak. Pain was my only friend. I would help pain out by providing a stick to keep beating myself up with.

I would share my life with the wrong people in order to keep my self esteem at an all time low in order to keep myself suppressed, where I believed I belonged. I had no self belief and I was certainly not kind to myself at all.

I became so good at self harming and sabotage, that I just accepted that this was my way of life! This was the path that had been handed to me and I would in martyr style walk it. Everybody else was handed out the good bits in life and somehow I was being punished for mine. Until ....

One day..I decided I was sick of feeling this constant pain and the weight of it became so unbearable, that as a last resort, I sought counselling. This was the very first day of my SELF recovery. My eyes were opened to 'my own' choices in creating this pain my life.

Yes my past HAD been very painful. (The important word here is 'had').  What I hadn't realized is the past was gone. All that remained now were the memories of the past and I had them in a HUGE sack carrying them on my back 24 hours a day! They were still living in my NOW!!

So with this realization I decided to unpack this HUGE sack, a little at a time and forgive, let go, grieve, accept, love and finally GROW into my now. With a new NOW. A 'now' that existed with inner peace, joy, hope and much LOVE.

A LOVE, that I had never experienced before, one that was especially for me. A love that was kind, humbling, beautiful, creative, blissful, abundant, giving and free flowing and so much more. I came to learn who I was, what gifts I had all along and new gifts that were now blossoming in this peaceful way of being.

In this new growth, I found that there are always going to be ups and downs in life. It is how I choose to look at different situations in my life. Growing in all situations is healthy and abundant as you are a better person for all those around you and within YOURSELF.
I am happy now to leave gentle loving foot prints along my way. Instead of huge black empty holes that fulfilled nothing except pain! I am joyful and feel joyous and in this I am 'Creating The Love' in my life.

In all experiences whether good or bad there is a choice for personal 'Growth' and in making a new choice there is always HOPE.

I really wanted to share this, as we are not born with a 'life' instruction manual. If you do not have good role models around you at this time, or you feel you are lost in a black hole of pain, I am humbled to share this with you today, as my gift to YOU.

Keep 'Creating The Love' in your life today ......... Leanna

Copyright Leanna Mackenzie © 2010-All rights reserved
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1 comment:

Anonymous said...

LOVE you, dearest Leanna. This post is wonderful and so heartfelt ~ it really "hit home" right now. Loved the BAG analogy of ridding and letting go a bit at a time. Thanks SO MUCH for your wise, inspirational insight, my sweet Angel friend LEANNA! xoxoxoxo
p.s. Am forwarding this on now to others that may get help from your words here, too. Spreading your wisdom! LOVE YOU.